Day 3: I forgive myself for…

If someone hasn’t forgiven themselves for something, it may be because they don’t want to look at it. That is my experience, anyway. I don’t want to look at it because I still can’t believe I acted that way.

When my dad found out he had liver cancer, he told me not to worry, that he was going to beat it. I was not to give it another thought. Not knowing anything about cancer, I just believed him. My dad said it, so it must be true. I was twenty one. I didn’t worry about it.

Then I found out he was going to die soon. That made me really mad. It made me so mad that I didn’t go home to talk to him about it. Then I tried to deny that it was going to happen and then I ignored it all together and just quit thinking about it. When we talked, I didn’t bring it up and he didn’t either.

One day, my mom called and said he was going to the hospital to manage the pain. I should come see him.

I did.

He talked to me about all the important things a dad needs to say to his daughter before he leaves for ever. I just listened. I think I remember saying, I love you , Dad…I hope I did. I was numb.


He died a few hours later, after I had gone, while my brother was there.

I haven’t forgiven myself for getting mad. I wasted precious moments.

It changed my life though. I may get mad occasionally…but after that experience, it never lasts for more than several minutes. I’m not wasting anymore time. You never know if this might be your last conversation.

5 thoughts on “Day 3: I forgive myself for…

  1. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I think the sickness is something we all find hard to cope with, sometimes the only way to cope is to pretend that everything is going to be ok, and I am sure your dad understood that. In my family too we had our fair share of anger and pretending. When someone dies it is natural to look back and ask what if? but I think whatever was done, said and lived we are always left with those questions because there is never quite enough time and most of us are imperfect, trying to do the best we can under huge strain, in difficult circumstances. Your dad knew you loved him. That is what matters…. forgiving yourself can take a lot of work but keep at it.

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