If someone hasn’t forgiven themselves for something, it may be because they don’t want to look at it. That is my experience, anyway. I don’t want to look at it because I still can’t believe I acted that way.
When my dad found out he had liver cancer, he told me not to worry, that he was going to beat it. I was not to give it another thought. Not knowing anything about cancer, I just believed him. My dad said it, so it must be true. I was twenty one. I didn’t worry about it.
Then I found out he was going to die soon. That made me really mad. It made me so mad that I didn’t go home to talk to him about it. Then I tried to deny that it was going to happen and then I ignored it all together and just quit thinking about it. When we talked, I didn’t bring it up and he didn’t either.
One day, my mom called and said he was going to the hospital to manage the pain. I should come see him.
He talked to me about all the important things a dad needs to say to his daughter before he leaves for ever. I just listened. I think I remember saying, I love you , Dad…I hope I did. I was numb.
He died a few hours later, after I had gone, while my brother was there.
I haven’t forgiven myself for getting mad. I wasted precious moments.
It changed my life though. I may get mad occasionally…but after that experience, it never lasts for more than several minutes. I’m not wasting anymore time. You never know if this might be your last conversation.