I was thinking..
(bless her heart, she just stays in her head, doesn’t she?)
because this time of year does that to me…the holidays make me think a lot…
I was asking myself…when did I finally get it that my childhood was done?
Watching my son start a new chapter of his life in California, observing my own transitions and those life changing moments as they happen in my friend’s lives…when did that moment happen for me?
My first job? No. That didn’t faze me. I liked to work and jumping around from job to job after I graduated from high school, was a game to me. I got to meet new people, learn new stuff. Party with a slightly different crowd…However, I only had that luxury of no fear because I knew my dad would never let me live on the streets if I drove my life off into the ditch. I could always go home.
Was it when I was so totally tricked by someone I cared a lot about, that I realised people could be so deceitful and cruel? No. Just another life lesson. They were coming quickly at that time in my life.
I remember the moment I was no longer a child because I told myself to capture the details, take a picture, put it away in my head and never forget it. It was the day my dad passed to the other side, when he made his transition, went back home.
I was standing next to him, rubbing his legs while he lay in the hospital room. He couldn’t take the pain of that cancer any longer. A shift occurred as I spoke to him and he spoke to me for what we knew was the last time while he was here…
Time to grow up, I thought to myself, unconsciously. Your tall, dark, wise, firm, conservative, fearless, dependable safety net was leaving. Of course, he was more than just a safety net but as a child, thinking as a child thinks, I knew, as I left that room, that even though my mom was still alive…my dad, the one who had a grip on the back of my neck like a cat holds its kitten, he was letting go. I was on my own and I had better start looking at the world with different eyes. I wouldn’t be able to be so fearless from here on out. My protector, my pull me out of the slime person, was handing me the reins. Not because I was ready, but because he had no choice.
As I became a parent, I understood so much more of what he said.
You don’t have to learn everything from experience…persistance is more powerful than education…don’t dress like you’ve been fixing a fence when you go to a job interview…he actually said that.
But the one I am remembering the most these days…if you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will.